Harvey had developed a bad habit. It started with barking to let my wife know he needed to go outside to “go potty.” Being alerted before a 4-month old Golden Retriever goes in the house is a wonderful thing, but Harvey figured out that he could gain early release from his crate by barking when bored.

We thought he just needed to go outside an unusual amount for a while, but finally realized he was scamming us. So last night when the barking started, JoAnne sprayed Bitter Apple into his mouth. Puppies shut up fast when they get a taste of Bitter Apple. Soon all you have to do is show them the bottle and they shut up without waiting for another taste.

Harvey underwent a series of lessons that started in the early evening yesterday and continued in the middle of the night, at 5 AM, and around 7 AM.

After JoAnne finished delivering the middle of the night lesson, she said, “Happy Anniversary!” because it was now August 26th and we were married 21 years ago on August 26th. I said, “Happy Anniversary!” and went back to sleep. JoAnne repeated Happy Anniversary after the 5 AM lesson and the 7 AM lesson and I answered her Happy Anniversary. I think she said Happy Anniversary again as I left the bedroom to start work in my office and maybe again when she was taking the dogs downstairs to go outside and eat breakfast. My response to the last Happy Anniversary from her was a terse, “Yeah.”

JoAnne sat down in my office just after 8 AM and said, “Can we talk?” It did not look like we were going to have a happy anniversary. My terse response to her cheery anniversary greeting had hurt her feelings. I defended myself by saying, “Do you realize you’ve said Happy Anniversary to me 5 times?” It really did not look like we were going to have a happy anniversary then because saying that made her mad.

I got mad when I saw that JoAnne was mad. I feel powerful when I am angry. I feel safe when I am angry. But lately I have been learning to ask what feelings are hiding underneath my anger.

When JoAnne kept repeating Happy Anniversary to me, I started feeling inadequate. I began to assume that my responses were not satisfying her so she was giving me more chances to get it right, but I did not know how to get it right. I don’t like to feel inadequate. I don’t like to feel confused. I don’t even like to ask a simple question like, “I feel like you want something from me that I am not giving you. Can you tell me explicitly what you want from me?” I just get mad.

Today, however, I didn’t stay mad. I dug deep and said, “I started to feel inadequate when you kept saying Happy Anniversary. I felt that I was not satisfying you and I did not know how to satisfy you.”

To make a long story short, we did wind up having a very happy 21st wedding anniversary.